"Baltimore Prayer" and "Objects for the Home" at On Earth As It Is
"The Brain Is a Pleasure Organ" and "11 Irritations That Morning" at Everyday Genius

Short for Halpert

Hal got a mushy schmutz stuck under his floorboards, but he bungled a bottle not hid too good, realizing once he done it how it hadn’t just been his only chance, but his right hand, wasted fudge rumpled under an Alka-Seltzer. I’m a pigeon! I’m a pigeon! called one of the kids. Beautiful cherub and son of a bitch, Hal wheezed lovingly. We got a damn pigeon for company, and he’s the goddamn captain. Nothing doing, Hal snorted, and accompanied his monkey to silent belches.